Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be great. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully away from place. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

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  A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")

  
  


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  And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let's have One more area in which American men can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer you Every person a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":

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  Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

  
  


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  Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

  
  


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  A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

  
  

"This can be soft power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It Trump Tower Damascus truly is that he should really cease working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from House, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It can be not merely unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Attributes

Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

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  A silent atrium where friends may ponder obscure disappointment

  
  


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  A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Management set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

  
  

Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"

The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Permanently."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

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  34% say "it would stabilize the area"

  
  


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  29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

  
  


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  eighteen% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

  
  

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is by now attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, together with:

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  A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister

  
  


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  The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

  
  


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  And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

  
  

Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews advise:

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  China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

  
  


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  Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

  
  


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  And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.